Infernal University 1

Please note that this is fictional. I feel like I should put this here. I've been reading The Screwtape Letters recently, which is where I got the idea for this. And it should be noted that as far as I'm aware, hell doesn't really have time.

Our top-secret espionage team somehow managed to intercept lectures and correspondence from the Infernal Eastern Underworld University, as well as several other universities with the rank of Infernal. For years (if they had years in hell (work with me)), Eastern Underworld University was a leader in developing techniques for bringing humans down to hell. In what would have been hell-year 1233 (if hell had time), it officially obtained the rank of "Infernal," similar to a Pontifical University, except devoted to damning people, not saving them. Currently, they are rivaled only by Infernal University of the Ninth Circle.

Today we present the first lecture we obtained, given by Dr. Fideimors, DD (Doctor of Damnation), of the Institute for the Enslavement of the East. This is from Eastern Catholic Churches 101: Introduction to Eastern Catholicism. Our comments are in brackets:

Greetings, students. I am Dr. Fideimors [the name means "Death to Faith"]. I assure you, you will find few others more qualified to teach this course. I have given extensive attention to the precise art which is the bringing of Eastern Catholic souls to hell.

I realize that most of you are probably graduate students, seeing as this is not a required course by the IEUU for undergraduates. A pity, really. I enjoy teaching this course. Some of you, however, might not have intended to further your studies, but were surprisingly assigned to an Eastern Catholic, and have therefore come to learn the best means for bringing him down.

Before we dive in, let's review what we know. As you all know (or should know, although I know that if you're transferring in from the Fifth Circle College, they don't teach you much history [their specialty is making it seem that science and faith are at odds]), the Enemy founded the Catholic Church about 2000 earth-years ago. Ever since, it has been quite a pain to us. Now, the Catholic Church of today's world is made up of over 20 particular Churches with their own laws and traditions. Most of these are Eastern Catholic Churches, although the Western Church is considerably larger than them.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of ways to bring souls to hell that work just fine for both Western and Eastern Catholics, but there are some techniques which can be used to wreak especial havoc on Eastern Catholic souls. This course will provide a general overview. By the end of it, you should have a good foundation for work in the field or further study.

As for your required reading, here is the list:

• What Easterners Can't Stand. Remember when I said that there were few more qualified than me to teach this course? Dr. Orientalimors ["Death to the East"] of the Infernal University of the Ninth Circle is one of them. He did considerable work on the Great Schism. Ah, those were the days.
• Where East Says "Adios" to West. A fun little read by the engineer of the whole Toth affair. Much of your reading for this course can be difficult to understand, but this one offers both striking insight and ease of comprehension.
• What Doesn't Matter Nearly As Much As We Want Them to Think It Does, 22nd Edition, Expanded. The 26th edition is standard issue for DMN 101 at most universities, but the unique thing about the 22nd expanded is that it includes some of the groundbreaking work from myself, Dr. Orientalimors, and a few of the top researchers at Heresy University's Department of Liberalization on how best to get an Eastern Catholic to pick a tiny divergence with the Latins and end up accusing them of heresy. Simply marvelous.
• Introduction to the Worst of the Worst of the East. By yours truly, you'll meet some of our all-time greatest adversaries in the Eastern Churches. John the Unskilled at Anything and Especially at Oratory [Chrysostom], Basil the Terrible [the Great], and Anthony the Awful [the Great] are just some of the infamous personalities featured in here. Not at all a pleasant read, but a necessary one.
• Introduction to the Internet for Temptors. An anthology of great tempting techniques to be used on the Internet featuring chapters written by experts in every field, I make sure all my students read it. We will particularly focus on a chapter written jointly by myself and Dr. Orientalimors on using the blogosphere against Eastern Catholics.

For next class, please read chapter 1 of What Easterners Can't Stand. Then read chapter 56 of What Doesn't Matter &c, "Chanted or Spoken." We will discuss the chapter in-class. Please also begin reading Intro to the Worst, but stop if you begin to feel sick. I remember writing it: I fainted multiple times while working on the section on Anthony the Awful. Also, please read chapter 14, section A of Intro to the Internet, "Believing the Blog," then summarize it, paying special attention to the fact that humans are generally receptive to anything that is on the internet, whether it be publicized by us or by the Enemy [God].

Thus ends our first transmission of a lecture from an Infernal University. Stay tuned for more!